my moment of clarity
2008-05-27 -- 2:23 a.m.

looking at the date, i know tt my period is coming.which may explain why i'm so moody today.

surprisingly, considering nothing has suddenly happened to severely depress me, i'm feeling exceptionally horrible tonight.

that familiar heartache is back again.
for the past 10 odd days without you, I haven't felt this ache.
For some weird reasons, tonight i do.

and im having a situation i call the 'running tap, and leaking nose' problem.

it could be the drama. cos 'fated to love you' episode 11 is out. and i watched it just now, and started crying, and haven't stopped 1hr after the show has ended.

after i opened my 'box of memories' i found out when our first kiss was. previously i said i would like to find out, but i haven't, until now.

rarrh, there's lizard on my ceiling. reptiles. why do i have to live with you.

back here.

i've decided to switch on my lights and blog. one, cos i tink the lights might stop my tap. which i tink it did. :)
two, i've suddenly felt this moment of clarity.

yes, moment of clarity.
as i would like to call it.
funny how after sobbing and sniffing, clarity dawned on me.

and why do i want to pen down this clarity? i think im afraid i will forget, and get back into my never-ending cycle of feeling down.

at 21.
today.
i think i finally know what i want in a guy.

you know all your life, girls. many have asked "what's your dream guy?". most down-to-earth person would say.. "it depends". of course the rest will list the qualities in a perfect man who was never born to this earth.

"it depends": most girls would say, see how loh. depends on the feeling. which is probably what i'ld say.

yet suddenly.
i finally know, or am reminded of, what kind of guy i want. more specifically. i do NEED to have this type of person, if i were to live with for good.

i need a guy who loves me.
and "duh" is not the correct response.
i also need a guy who is very sure that he loves me.
and will never leave me feeling uncertain about his love for me, NOR my love for him.

at 21. i'm beginning to hate having to constantly challenge my faith in that person, nor test my own feelings for someone else.

i need that guy who dared to face my scary and extremely angry dad who would chase after him with a chopper any minute during chinese new year.

i need that guy who insisted on talking about things which would make my cry in public. and then hold me in his arms under the woodlands mrt track to wipe my tears and forced me to believe that we had what we call 'love'.

ok great, now the lizard is directly above my head. if it drops down, i'm going to the hospital.

at this moment of clarity.
i remembered, that was why i loved.
and that is what i need
to love.

it is the confidence to love me, and never leaving me like that to doubt all the goodness that has happened.

i have a feeling that that person in you may no longer exists.
and i understand that humans do change with time.

i shouldn't be still feeling emotionally confused about whether there is anything left for us to wait for.

just let my heart die. anw i feel like it's going to die soon.
heartaches.

side-effect from the zoo visit:
why can't we be like the Himalayan Baboons (i hope i rmb it correctly), they seem to move in families. and the couple would sunbath together, and one will pick out fleas for the other.
it's such a sweet sight, isn't it.

why can't we?

yes, we do not have fleas, nor red big asses.

a moment of clarity.
comes with a good night's sleep. (only that i cannot get over the fact that im in the same room as a lizard. which may crawl onto my bed when im asleep. :X )